OK, so I was writing this out to try to organize my thoughts since we both know how frustrating they can be, and it made a lot of sense and probably says things better than if I tried to say it out loud. This way I don't have to try to deal with your reactions as I'm trying to get it all out and you can get as frustrated as you want at what I'm saying and not worry about it bothering me.
So you said start at the beginning... but there isn't really a beginning. It's just that what I have to say is like a bunch of little things that work into this big thing in my head and I don't know which one to start with... but I'll give this a shot.
I know how my dad treats me and everything isn't my fault, but it still leaves me with no self-esteem. When you hear stuff like that everyday and then don't have anyone else tell you otherwise... it doesn't leave you thinking much of yourself. I'm working on that and I'll get there eventually. The big thing you need to understand though is how I react in stressful situations. I prefer to have someone yell or get mad when they're frustrated with me instead of getting the silent treatment or something but I don't fight back. All I do is sit quietly and wait for it to blow over. And when I'm in bed and I hear some noise like a dish getting dropped or something automatically I will curl into a ball assuming whoever is out there is pissed off at me. It's frustrating I know, and I will eventually get over it but instead of getting frustrated about it and telling me not to worry about it maybe just... don't say anything?
That's why I was still kind of hoping for my own bed, so I can have my own space until I can get over this. I'm good with the arrangement it looks like we're going to have, but I don't want/need to feel like I have to make you feel comfortable with everything. 'Cause that's what I do, I try to keep everyone else happy and after this last thing with my dad I really want to try to make myself happy. Selfish I know, and it doesn't mean I'm going to be a bitch or anything but I really want to try to get over all this crap. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything right, and I'm tired of feeling like I have to do everything perfectly to keep people happy. That much I know you understand. So if I curl into a ball or get upset over whatever just let me, over time it'll stop... why make me feel bad for something I can't help right now?
Another thing that has been on my mind is your son. It doesn't bother me or anything, but I would like to know something about him. About you and him. See a picture (like actually be handed one) or something. When you told me it was difficult to digest the information because it just didn't seem real... and it's still kind of like that. My mom mentioned earlier that Laura mentioned he's quite a little guy yesterday and it threw me through a loop 'cause that doesn't really stay in my mind. I don't want it to sound like more than it is, I just want to be able to be comfortable when someone says something about it instead of having to have it hit me again and again.
And going back to when you told me about Logan... you seemed almost annoyed when it was keeping me up at night - but that's not what it was. Really that was the first time I really should have sat down with you and talked but I didn't know what to say. I have come to realize now what it felt like when you told me... it was exactly like when Cory told me he was gay. Weird analogy I know, but that's exactly what it was like. With pretty much anyone else I know, including exes and what not, if I got that piece of information I would have just kind of shrugged it off... but instead my mind just went numb and then I had to try to digest the information. I compare it to Cory telling me he's gay because just like then it wasn't bad news or news that would change anything, it was just something that I needed to digest and be able to comprehend without a million other thoughts invading my head. I've gotten there now, but at the same time like I said above it doesn't seem real. And you said you still have a hard time making it seem real that you have a son but that's a whole other thing I think and I can't really relate to that.
What kept me up in the end though, wasn't the news or the digestion of it... rather it was how it hit me. The fact that it hit me at all. I mean generally like I said I would shrug it off, but I cared when you told me. You looked so nervous beforehand, only time I've really seen you like that, and I felt bad for you. It's scary to care about someone or something that's not... family. Cory... Jeffrey... Duncan... to me they're family. And they've been around since I was a kid. And no matter what happens in the future nothing can come between me and them and end with me getting hurt. Does that make sense?
None of this is real deep or important stuff, which is why I just shrug off when you ask about it, it's just little things that sit in the back of my head and are always there. And I think most of this stuff makes sense and you could have probably guessed it anyways, but you wanted to hear and I don't know how to say it. So hopefully this will help satisfy you for a bit, and if you have any questions I'll try to figure out an answer if I can... I still don't understand half the stuff in this letter myself.
Originally when I wrote this out it was one of those letters you never send just to help organize my thoughts, but I realized no matter how organized they get when I try to bring it up they just fly out of my head... so I'll give you this instead. I would have given you the actual handwritten one, 'cause I hate e-mail... it's so impersonal, but I'm doing this so when I hit send I can't back out of it. LOL. OK, I'm actually doing it 'cause this way you'll have it this weekend instead of whenever I get the nerve to hand you a letter. LOL.
I don't think I really said what I meant to say in this but I think it gives you a good idea of what's been on my mind... and I have to get ready for work since Liz will be here soon, and I don't really want to send you a bunch of ramblings so I guess I'm done. Hopefully this was on track and made some sense.
Tanya
