OK, so I was writing this out to try to organize my thoughts since we both know how frustrating they can be, and it made a lot of sense and probably says things better than if I tried to say it out loud. This way I don't have to try to deal with your reactions as I'm trying to get it all out and you can get as frustrated as you want at what I'm saying and not worry about it bothering me.
So you said start at the beginning... but there isn't really a beginning. It's just that what I have to say is like a bunch of little things that work into this big thing in my head and I don't know which one to start with... but I'll give this a shot.
I know how my dad treats me and everything isn't my fault, but it still leaves me with no self-esteem. When you hear stuff like that everyday and then don't have anyone else tell you otherwise... it doesn't leave you thinking much of yourself. I'm working on that and I'll get there eventually. The big thing you need to understand though is how I react in stressful situations. I prefer to have someone yell or get mad when they're frustrated with me instead of getting the silent treatment or something but I don't fight back. All I do is sit quietly and wait for it to blow over. And when I'm in bed and I hear some noise like a dish getting dropped or something automatically I will curl into a ball assuming whoever is out there is pissed off at me. It's frustrating I know, and I will eventually get over it but instead of getting frustrated about it and telling me not to worry about it maybe just... don't say anything?
That's why I was still kind of hoping for my own bed, so I can have my own space until I can get over this. I'm good with the arrangement it looks like we're going to have, but I don't want/need to feel like I have to make you feel comfortable with everything. 'Cause that's what I do, I try to keep everyone else happy and after this last thing with my dad I really want to try to make myself happy. Selfish I know, and it doesn't mean I'm going to be a bitch or anything but I really want to try to get over all this crap. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything right, and I'm tired of feeling like I have to do everything perfectly to keep people happy. That much I know you understand. So if I curl into a ball or get upset over whatever just let me, over time it'll stop... why make me feel bad for something I can't help right now?
Another thing that has been on my mind is your son. It doesn't bother me or anything, but I would like to know something about him. About you and him. See a picture (like actually be handed one) or something. When you told me it was difficult to digest the information because it just didn't seem real... and it's still kind of like that. My mom mentioned earlier that Laura mentioned he's quite a little guy yesterday and it threw me through a loop 'cause that doesn't really stay in my mind. I don't want it to sound like more than it is, I just want to be able to be comfortable when someone says something about it instead of having to have it hit me again and again.
And going back to when you told me about Logan... you seemed almost annoyed when it was keeping me up at night - but that's not what it was. Really that was the first time I really should have sat down with you and talked but I didn't know what to say. I have come to realize now what it felt like when you told me... it was exactly like when Cory told me he was gay. Weird analogy I know, but that's exactly what it was like. With pretty much anyone else I know, including exes and what not, if I got that piece of information I would have just kind of shrugged it off... but instead my mind just went numb and then I had to try to digest the information. I compare it to Cory telling me he's gay because just like then it wasn't bad news or news that would change anything, it was just something that I needed to digest and be able to comprehend without a million other thoughts invading my head. I've gotten there now, but at the same time like I said above it doesn't seem real. And you said you still have a hard time making it seem real that you have a son but that's a whole other thing I think and I can't really relate to that.
What kept me up in the end though, wasn't the news or the digestion of it... rather it was how it hit me. The fact that it hit me at all. I mean generally like I said I would shrug it off, but I cared when you told me. You looked so nervous beforehand, only time I've really seen you like that, and I felt bad for you. It's scary to care about someone or something that's not... family. Cory... Jeffrey... Duncan... to me they're family. And they've been around since I was a kid. And no matter what happens in the future nothing can come between me and them and end with me getting hurt. Does that make sense?
None of this is real deep or important stuff, which is why I just shrug off when you ask about it, it's just little things that sit in the back of my head and are always there. And I think most of this stuff makes sense and you could have probably guessed it anyways, but you wanted to hear and I don't know how to say it. So hopefully this will help satisfy you for a bit, and if you have any questions I'll try to figure out an answer if I can... I still don't understand half the stuff in this letter myself.
Originally when I wrote this out it was one of those letters you never send just to help organize my thoughts, but I realized no matter how organized they get when I try to bring it up they just fly out of my head... so I'll give you this instead. I would have given you the actual handwritten one, 'cause I hate e-mail... it's so impersonal, but I'm doing this so when I hit send I can't back out of it. LOL. OK, I'm actually doing it 'cause this way you'll have it this weekend instead of whenever I get the nerve to hand you a letter. LOL.
I don't think I really said what I meant to say in this but I think it gives you a good idea of what's been on my mind... and I have to get ready for work since Liz will be here soon, and I don't really want to send you a bunch of ramblings so I guess I'm done. Hopefully this was on track and made some sense.
Tanya
I know I haven't been using this blog much. I have a LiveJournal. But I recently learned you can import blogs so I'm going to import some of my LJ posts to here. I'm going back a little bit but I have to make the posts public on LJ to import 'em, which is annoying, so I'm only doing so much. I look forward to being on Vox again!
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eirenealetheia commented to my last post asking a very heavy question... But you're happy with Stuart, right? :)
Yes, yes I am. Except when there's a group of people he's always "on" and it can get kind of uncomfortable. He was saying tonight that he went to the VooDoo a while back and these girls were hitting on him. This is no surprise... he's hot. But he was saying he was worried Liz would be there and see something.... WTF? LOL. He said he kept himself under control, but... ????
Tonight we watched Ghostbuster's at my place. It was fun, though after Jeff and Tara left and it was just Liz, him and I he was definitely on. LOL. Liz left (last time I'll see her for a couple weeks... bitch is off to Paris tomorrow!) and we were on the couch a bit. It was awkward for some reason, well maybe not awkward but I was in an off mood. He said something about some hot girl and I didn't comment so I think he thought I took it personally... I hadn't, I just had nothing to say. I dunno it was weird. He had to leave not long after 'cause he works tomorrow.
At the door he took his hat off and leaned in to kiss me goodnight. Damnit. He always makes this big todo about the goodnight kiss that makes me feel special. And the thing is, his kisses do something to me. All the guys I've kissed before, and there's a good number of guys... I hated it. I hated kissing. It seemed pointless. It was stupid. But not with Stuart.
Last night when he'd falen asleep... he kept snoring quite loudly and I'd have to wake him up. At one point I had my arm over him and my head at his shoulder as I tried to shake him awake. When he woke up he managed to roll over just slightly and tilt his head up to give me a kiss. It was cute. Then he was asleep again in a heartbeat. I love that.
I don't even think it's anything about him that is bothering me. It's the fact that I have these feelings and yet we never have these talks where anything could come out. So everything is bottled up inside.
It's funny... I have this friend who I met on some random website once. We've chatted on MSN for years now. We've never met... he's in Saskatchewan. But he can help me out when no one else can.
Some of his pure wisdom includes:
that's why it's usually easier to talk to a stranger, cuz you don't care what they think
Now for the best quote ever, from
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hockey...if only american politics were driven by hockey. i'd like george bush more if conservative appeared to equate to "old time hockey fan"
I dunno if you guys remember my posts talking about a regular that comes in... Allan. Well... ok if you don't remember him... before Christmas he would come in every night to read... he was reading the Sword of Truth series. He's really cute, tall, good looking. He was 29 back then, he's 30 now.
I was getting Alex's MSN one night and Allan heard it and shouted out his. LOL. I immediately added him of course. He still comes in all the time, though he hasn't been in in a while to read. :( We chat on MSN, joke around at work, etc.
Tonight Stuart came over. After he left I went on MSN and immediately had a message from Allan asking what's in 381 days. LOL. I told him... Indiana Jones 4. He agreed it's as awesome as I think. So we chatted some more, then he asked me how my boyfriend is.
Neo Matrix says:
so how is your boyfriend doing?
Bloom!!! Leggo my Viggo! Weekend!!!!! says:
fine, and how'd you know I had one?
Neo Matrix says:
I just took a guess
Bloom!!! Leggo my Viggo! Weekend!!!!! says:
LOL ah
Neo Matrix says:
a nice girl like you deserves one
Thankfully this didn't get awkward. We actually had a good discussion after this. He admitted he liked me. I admitted I wanted to ask him out months ago. He admitted that same but his shyness got the best of him. *sigh*
He seemed disappointed and now I'm left conflicted. I really, really like Stuart. I'm falling in love with him even. But Allan is more the guy I always pictured myself with. Does that make sense? Plus Stuart and I have never discussed where/what our relationship is. I mean, people will say something like, "Well your boyfriend here..." or apparently Ryan refers to me as "Your girlfriend" when talking with Stuart and nothing is argued or anything. And Stuart certainly makes it seem like we're together... but for some reason I want to be told that. Mostly because the relationship had a very... ebrupt beginning so there was no working into a relationship. :\
Ugh, I feel this is starting to be incoherant ramblings. But whatever, it's my journal... it doesn't have to make sense to you.
I don't want to break up with Stuart or anything. More than anything it's bugging me that I wanted to go after Allan, didn't, and now I've found out he wanted that too. That's incredibly frustrating. :(
He seemed to like the idea of coming to hang out with all of us though, so that'll be cool.
And this may have helped me a bit in getting that talk with Stuart. Tomorrow he and I are spending the day together. I dunno what we'll do, that's besides the point. I can act a little funny and when he asks why, which he will, I'll say, "Well it's just that this friend of mine, who I kind of liked before, admitted he wanted to go out with me. He asked if I have a boyfriend and I wasn't sure exactly where we stood, though I did say I'm somewhat 'off the market.'"
Good idea? Bad idea? Input please!
And I'd just like to put this even though most y'all won't wanna read it.
We were at my place tonight, not Stuart's, which was odd. We started fooling around on the couch and eventually made it to my room. Now I live in a small cabin so we were being really quiet. None the less it was going great, and everything was real comfortable.
Now Stuart doesn't... last long. *pouts* But he's very good about making sure I'm good before we get to him. And he's good at making sure if you get my drift. Tonight it was so hot as we kinda just fell on the bed... together. Still got my drift? Then he pulls away before the big ending, haha, to... play.
Damnit I hate writing this stuff but when I look back on this entry for some reason I want to remember this!
Anyways, all of a sudden he can't help it and rolls over and we're at it again. It's even hotter than the first time... actually by far the best I've ever had.
Then he stops. Usually I can tell when he's done and I didn't think he was.
Best sex ever was ruined by a leg cramp. &@^&!!!!!!
I woke up at like 3ish this afternoon and could hear music in the living room, but it wasn't loud enough to make out what it was. But it made me happy. Seriously, happy. So I rolled out of bed wearing my pj's and Canuck jersey and came out to find...
my dad watching the Lord of the Rings! LOL. Man it's been way to long since I've seen that! And now I really want to re-read the books. LOL. And dad and I were like, "Oh and now this happens" throughout the rest of the movie. Hahaha. Good ol LotR. Monday night I'm whippin' out the extended dvd's and randomly picking one. Maybe Stuart will be up to watching it with me.
Oh yes, Stuart came to work today. I dunno why but he did. Yesterday was his payday so he's in a good mood. Tomorrow he's going to work on his car and Monday he's taking a resume up to the mine. Then Tuesday we're seeing Spiderman 3. :)
I have a feeling tomorrow will be a very, very, very long day. I think I'm the only one available to cover graveyard. So... I start at 5. They may have someone relieve me at 3ish, or I may be there until 7. 5pm-7am. :\ MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! MONEY!!! That day will gross me like... $150. And I'm not an actual graveyard person I don't have to do shit all.
But my back is killing me and I'm exhausted so... time for bed and dreams of Stuart. LOL. He's cute ok?
I feel good. I had the worse night, and yet I feel good. Content. I don't know why, I'm just calm. I'm not upset about my dad, or work, or money. Weird. Nice, but weird.
Oddly enough I think it's because of Stuart. *gasp* My whole mood changing over a guy? I know! But I was ranting about Amanda (see below) and he let me rant and managed to say the right things, which is great when you need someone to listen, right? When I said thanks he's like, "I'm here when you need it." Or something. I dunno exactly what he said but it was a good feeling when he said it.... And then I was telling him my mom brought Brandon and I these lollipops, mine had an acrobatic bear, his had a basketball game. Stuart made a comment about his masturbation lollipop... LMAO. He's like, "What type of response did you expect?" Seriously I didn't know, that's what I love. He's so freaking unpredictable!!!
So anyways, why I was ranting about Amanda: (I actually wrote this first so it may not flow)
I threw my headset off tonight and walked away from Amanda and Brandon. My back started spasming so I thought I'd do orders for a bit, until it stopped. No... Amanda wanted to do that 'cause she did window yesterday. So I thought I'd run. No, Brandon wanted to run. Thus I was at window hanging out with the worst angle on my back ever.
Then they started goofing around so I was doing all three things. After eleven I always do everything on drive thru which is why Amanda's "I did window yesterday" argument pissed me off so much. It was getting really busy and my back was spasming so bad so I dropped my headset and walked away. It felt so good!
Oh, and Amanda was calling herself a supervisor tonight trying to get Kyle to do all this crap. Sorry no. And Emily wanted to go home early and asked me (technically I am the supervisor when Mori isn't on) and Amanda got mad that she didn't ask her. Finally she settled down and we had Emily call a manager to see if she could leave (she had a good reason and I felt she should leave) and Trish asked to speak to me. Amanda was so peeved again. And Trish didn't argue with me, it was awesome.
Oh, and Trish got a job at Starbucks so bye bye Trish!!! Wooooooooooooot.
So Dale, one of the graveyard folks, jumped out of a moving vehicle and cracked his skull open. We're not sure why he jumped or anything, but my God! So I may be covering graveyards for a while. *gulp*
Seems like a sad note to leave with when I'm in such a good mood but I want to sleep.
Tonight was good. My back didn't act up, and Amanda did a morning shift so she wasn't at work. I can't believe how much I enjoyed that. Monday night we sat around waiting for her to come out and when we finally called her she informed us she'd changed her mind. WTF? Inform people when you do that! So apparently she went off about how Liz was a bitch for getting upset on the phone. Grrr.
I told Liz about this tonight and we discussed whether we really want to live with Amanda. We don't. When we looked at the four bedroom Amanda immediately decided she gets the biggest bedroom. Um no. Then she said if she didn't she wanted the den and rec room downstairs all to herself. No again.
So I found this ad in the paper at work tonight: Two bed., sauna room, satellite TV avail. Close to Merecroft Shopping centre $550 & $575/mth. Avail. June 1st.
Sounds perfect! Just under $300 each a month, that's completely doable. So I'm calling them tomorrow, and hopefully we get it. Honestly, telling Amanda is going to suck but neither one of us can possible live with her. She's selfish, ignorant and self-centered.
So anyways, Stuart kept me updated on the game tonight. We lost. :( But what the fuck? Anaheim managed two dirty goals. Shitty. I know the Ducks played better, but seriously... shitty!!!
And then people all night kept asking about the score. Grr... had to relive it over and over.
Does anybody else get irritated with some guy talking about makeup on tv. The male voiceovers are so stupid. Grrr....
"Don't look at me with that tone." So the best quote of the night. Hehehe.
I'm tired now and there's a CSI on I don't remember really, so I'm gonna go watch that.
Audio: Share a song that makes you nostalgic.
Submitted by Alex.
I miss this show so much! I wish it would get released on dvd.
Stuart just left. We had a good night just grabbing some food and then coming back to watch Clerks. It's great to get some alone time with him. He's always in an entertaining mood around folks, which is great... I love him all goofy and what not, but when we're alone he's got this great personality that doesn't come out in groups. I don't know why... but I really love conversations with him when he's not "on".
For example, as we were eating dinner we were discussing music. Since I like country and he likes heavy metal you would think it would be a short conversation, but it wasn't. It was the best conversation about music I had in a long time really.
So I went to the doctor's today. He prescribed this new stuff... finally! They usually prescribe the same crap over and over again. But now I have this instead. I have to take it with food, some milk, and eight glasses of water. EIGHT! And I can't lie down for at least 30 minutes after taking it. Talk about some scary shit. Hopefully it'll work though.
I work tomorrow, and I haven't been able to stand for more than ten minutes. This will be interesting! Luckily everyone saw how much pain I was in last week so I think they'll help me out. I need money, so I have to do this week. My next paycheque has to buy the clothes for the wedding and two trips to Victoria, neither of which I can take my dad's car for.
Honestly, I feel bad but I don't want to go. Well for the wedding I do, but not the bachelor party. We're going to play paintball and then go drink. Wooo, sounds like my kind of a night. :( I'm trying to act excited and hopefully some folks who I know will be coming with. Jeffrey is coming... Cory and Clinton are invited... and Shelly. Shelly are you coming? If you're going to be in Nanaimo I can grab you there.
I'm going to go to bed now. I need sleep, and it's been about an hour since I took that pill. Oh, and I really hate water now. LOL!
Keep your fingers crossed that I can get through tomorrow.
P.S. Salo, I could shoot you. First you loose your stick then you get in the middle of things without it. WHAT THE HELL??? And Daniel, you should have threw over your stick. I blame you both for the Canucks losing tonight. I still love you Luongo, you did good!
So today was my first of two days off, thank God. Did little of anything. Bunch of us were supposed to play poker so we met at Timmie's. Stuart, Jeff, Liz and I waited for half an hour then she phoned Amanda only to be informed that her and Brandon weren't coming. WTF? When you say you're coming you at least inform folks when you change your mind.
So we went to Superstore and then to Liz's. Liz's mom Jane wouldn't let us escape downstairs without saying hi 'cause I hadn't seen her since... well it's been like 10 years! LOL. Before I met Cory even.
So we had fun... we ordered pizza, watched some Spongebob and played poker. Stuart won, of course. Actually it was down to him and Liz and they went all in and he managed four of a kind with aces. How the fuck... LMAO.
After that Stuart was cuddling with me trying to get me in a good position for my back and after a while I was sitting up. I don't remember actually sitting up... but I had spasms in my entire back and tears running down my face. It's really fucking scary.
Stuart tried massaging it a bit and finally we all left. Jeff drove me back to my car but while I was standing outside waiting for Jeff to clear of his car seat Stuart was just holding me 'cause I think he knew I was on the verge of an outright outburst. Standing hurts so much. Everyone thinks I should go to the ER but I don't know if I would have the car back in time for dad's work tomorrow morning.
Stuart agreed it would be best if I sleep on it and drag myself to a clinic tomorrow, but I still won't have the car. It's not far to walk, but still... it hurts so much to walk! And I know the doctor is just going to write me another prescription to Flexoral, which so do nothing, and tell me to take a couple extra days off. That's not going to help this time.
I do everything the doctor's ask me to do... I swim three to five times a week, I do strength exercises, I heta it, ice it, and everything else they ask of me. I can't live with this for the rest of my life. I just can't.
But awww at Stuart trying to take care of me.
