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Last night Stuart was having a night mare. I've heard him having them the last few nights but this one was... different. He was talking in his sleep and what not. I tried to wake him up, I couldn't. Even when I made the phone, which he uses as an alarm, go off. I couldn't make out much of what he was saying but I did make out, "Tanya, I'm sorry, let me come home."

See told ya that would be on his mind, even if he didn't know it!

So tonight I told him I wasn't going to ask him to leave because I think, and I really do, not just saying it, that he needs some time and space so I'll give it to him. He said thank you. I told him I feel part of the reason he's been so reluctant to say he needs me is because I was so reluctant to admit he needs to leave... and he admitted then that he DOES need me! He knows no one else will be able to give him some of the things I can give him.

That's when I realized something. We've been looking at this kind of black & white like. Why does him moving out mean we have to break up? So he said he'd work on "us". I'm not exactly sure where we stand anymore, but in a good way. He's going to work on it so we're not completely done... that's better than I've felt all week.

He did admit he's worried how his mom and Steve will react if he says he's not leaving me. He told them it was what he needed to do, and he's not sure they'll understand his state of mind. He's admitted he needs me for certain things, he could even tell me what without me suggesting them so I know he's really serious about it, and yet he's worried about them.

I'm sacrificing so much to help him. I'm letting him leave even though everything inside is yelling to keep him here. I'm willing to help him with money by working even more, even though it'll be hard on me. I'm willing to be there as just a friend if that's what he decides. I'm willing to stand back and watch him try this alone if he so decides. None of it is easy, but I'm not even thinking twice about it.

What is anyone else willing to sacrifice for him? I'm not saying I'm any better than them, because what do they have to sacrifice in this situation? But if he tells them "I need her" shouldn't that be enough for them??

He pointed out tonight that I'm asking the right questions, saying the right things. I'm staying silent when he needs to think on what I said (and trust me, the silence is deafening!) and I'm pushing when he needs that push. Honestly I thought he'd hate me after some of the things I've asked... and I've been scared it would push him away since everyone says he needs to do this alone... but he doesn't. He says he's grateful I've done what I've done. I can't begin to tell you what that means to me.

But more than anything he's amazed how I find the right words. This whole week I don't know if I've said, "Ummm" once. The words have been confident and strong, no doubt in them. Even though some have been hard to say, I've done it, and he says he knows how tough it's been for me. He's worried even when he goes to the doctors he won't be able to find the words he needs to explain things, and that they won't know the questions to ask. But, I know the questions to ask. For that right there he says he needs me more than anybody.

So right now I don't feel like I'm losing him. I feel like he's just doing what he needs to do, but we're still doing it "together" in a way, and apart. And now that I'm thinking clearly I'm a little excited to be on my own for a bit. Any mess around the house will be my mess. No worrying about anyone or anything else, because it's all mine. So it's a new stage but I think it might be a good one. *fingers crossed*

Now let's just pray Stuart's not vulnerable enough right now that the others can convince him he doesn't need what he does need.

So when Stuart got home tonight I asked him to have a chat because I had some questions. I ask him if he's lied to anyone this past week. He said he has. I asked him if he's lied to me. He says he has about a few things. I nodded and mentioned how he said he'd stay until the end of November so I'm not fucked over. He looked up and said he's not going to fuck me over.

I pointed out Steve thinks they're moving out as soon as they can. Who was he lying to. He stayed quiet for a bit.

Later he told me he's going to leave the hydro and phone in his name and he's going to pay those. That's kind of nice, but it leads to the other promise I'm scared he'll break.

He said he'll help me with my schooling. We'll put it on his credit card each semester and then I'll make payments. But he owes $1600 right now, I need at least a grand available. He has to pay off $600 in two months and won't let me help. I don't see how he's going to do it.

He insists he will. He made me do a pinky swear with him that he'll get me back to school. I told him I've never not trusted him before but right now... and he just held me. He swore he'll make it work. He will get me to school. I still don't really believe him, but I do believe he wants it to work.

He held me and then he told me when he was driving home tonight he hit a bunny. He almost teared up telling me. He had to pull over and check on the bunny, but it died. He needed to talk about it for a bit and wanted a hug. WHO ELSE DOES HE HAVE THAT WILL LISTEN TO HIM FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT??? I think he's come to realize that.

He also told me how he keeps having to defend me around Steve. I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! Steve thinks it's all my fault, just like Stu's parents do. And it's hurting Stuart because he feels (and, no offence, rightly so) that he's the bad guy in the situation. He knows he wouldn't be at the point of even admitting he's sick, let alone wanting help without me. And yet it's like he's scared to admit I may be right about his needing me now too. Ugh.

When he went to bed I was on the couch kind of sniffling, 'cause I'd been crying. He came back out, pulled me up and gave me a huge hug. Now that's the Stuart I know and love... so at least, as he put it, we know he's "not completely dead inside."

I've copied some of my recent posts on my LiveJournal here because a good friend of mine doesn't have LJ to see 'em. I'll keep this blog updated as well, because right now I need as many places to vent as I can find.

Something's going on. Stu had gone to bed so I brought the laptop into my room. After about 45 minutes I hear something, and I called out his name... and he was outside my bedroom door. I got up and went out as he sat at the computer. He said the cat wouldn't let him sleep, but I don't know. The cat does that every night, it never keeps him up. And why was he at my bedroom door?

Maybe he's just stressed out, he's back to work tomorrow. But I dunno... it was weird.

I decided to be selfish today. When Stuart got home tonight I decided to sit him down and let him have it. My planned speech was:

"You're an asshole. You're a selfish prick. You don't care you're hurting me in all this, I get that. But what about Steve? Your parents? Family? If you don't smarten up and admit how bad it is you're going to fuck up. You're going to lose everything. Do you expect me to be here still? To want to help you? You're lying to everyone Stuart. You're not worried about the concequences. You don't care who you're hurting. This isn't you."

I got through most of that but then I went on to tell him how I want to help him, because I just couldn't bear to be that selfish. I wanted him to know I'm here for him. He looked up and said, "I just don't want your help."

Surprisingly that didn't hurt like it should. I guess because I knew. What I knew I'll explain in a bit.

So I kept pushing him even though I knew it was pointless. Why push, it won't help. But I did. Finally I looked up and said, "Stuart, back a few months ago when you told me you didn't know if you loved me anymore, do you remember what you did? What you did when you saw how much it hurt me, even when you couldn't tell me it would be better."

He couldn't answer it, which surprised me. So I looked at him, "You held me." I told him that's what proves to me right now that he's not himself. He doesn't care how much he's hurting me.

After that we actually talked a bit. He knows he's depressed, and he will go get help, but he doesn't think he's as far gone as I do. So fair enough, I think time will prove him wrong. He said he doesn't feel he owes me anything, even though he wouldn't even be able to admit anything was wrong without me. Just another thing I'm chalking up to this retched illness.

I finally lost it. I just said, "It's just killing me that no matter how much I try now, when this is said and done I'm scared you're going to hate me for not fighting hard enough."

He came over and held me then. After a bit I asked him if he came over because he wanted to, or because he knew I wanted him to. He said he wanted to. It was the first ray of hope I've had through all this that my Stuart is still in there.

We discussed money, my schooling, property, etc. He owes $1600 on his credit card right now but he swears he'll be able to pay my schooling on it come January. I won't fault him if he can't. I told him I would help pay it off some now, because it's my schooling at stake, but he won't hear of it.

He's not leaving right away, though Steve wants out of his mom's place right away. He's also going to talk to Steve about taking the downstairs suite on the other side. I thought he was just saying it, but he really did seem like he liked that idea. Maybe he doesn't want to be away from me totally? Just needs space.

And I'll give him space. I laughed at some point and said I'll never be able to watch Stargate Atlantis anymore, 'cause that was our show. We never watched it without the other. He asked if I wanted him to still watch it with me and I said I did. Then I said, "Least there's only a handful of episodes left" to which he responded, "And then you'll have to find another show for us to watch."

So he's not leaving me out cold. He's not walking away from everything... I feel better. I'm prepared to do whatever he needed, but I knew he needed me in some form. Who else does he have? I think he's come to admit that. I asked him if he didn't want my help, or if he wanted to do it alone. He said he wants to try to do it alone. I can live with that.

Finally I asked him if I could ask one more question and then I'd let him go to bed. He said I could, so I asked him if he thinks we're over for good, or if he thinks he needs this space right now. He said he couldn't answer that right now. I didn't push it, but I really do think there's hope when he gets through all this. I found the card he gave me for our anniversary and it says, "You make it worth getting up each morning." I asked him if he'd really felt that way, he said he did once. I asked him if there was anything that made it worth getting up now, he said there wasn't.

I'm scared he's going to hurt himself doing this alone. I'm scared he's not going to ask for help when he realizes he needs it, though he promised he would. I'm scared if he can't see how much he's changed that he'll never be able to really get through everything.

But I'm going to be strong enough until he gets through this, because I really feel he's going to find he needs me later. I think he realizes it too, and that's why he's keeping me close. Thank God.

When we discussed property I complained how I'd be without a dresser again, but said I can keep the one his parents just gave us. It's a beautiful dark wood dresser with a mirror and matching bedside tables. I also get the Wii, PS2, seasons 9 & 10 of Stargate (we both had 1-8 before we met), the Harry Potter books, etc.

When he was holding me I told him I was scared he was going to back out of his promise to help me with school. Like he'd just rip it away from me and screw me over. He held me tight and said, "You're going to school." I believe him. Even though he's not completely him right now, I think he'll keep this promise.

He also promised that he'll tell his parents and Steve that I'm not the bad guy. They think I am right now. He told his parents tonight that he's depressed and they're even trying to blame me for that. He's going to tell them I'm doing everything I can to help him, even the hardest thing ever... being there without being there. He said if the don't understand, he'll make them. LOL.

I really went away tonight feeling like I'm not losing him forever, just for now. And for now is good. He needs it. I was thinking earlier if everything really does happen for a reason. Well, if he hadn't broken up with me and started all this I never would have asked the questions that helped him realize he's depressed. So maybe everything does.

Oh yes... he wants help. He's going to start going to see doctors. He wants to meet with a few and find one he feels comfortable with. He's also going to go to councelling. Maybe he doesn't think he needs my help now, but the ironic thing is without me, he wouldn't be at that point now. I asked the questions that made him admit his problem. I talked him through things to see if he wants help. Someday he'll see that.

Stuart sat down with me last night and let me ask the hard questions. Even though he was answering in ways that makes it obvious he's depressed, he didn't want to admit it. I finally asked him the hardest thing I've ever had to, because I knew it'd hurt him to hear the answer.

How'd you feel when you learned Steve was coming home?

It took him about half a minute before he could answer, and he said relieved. I went on to point out that when he went down to see Steve, when they hang out, he's not happy about it. It's more like it's an obligation. I pointed out that when he dropped off the truck it was more about what needed to be done. He barely even mentioned Steve was coming home.

He stayed quiet for a while before he finally said in a low voice, "When I went down there it was like it was just another thing on my plate. More running around I had to do. I didn't really want to be there."

Me: "Stuart, do you think you're depressed?"
Stu: *pause* "Yeah."

We went on to talk about when he was 19. That's the worst time he was depressed. The whole Michelle thing. I asked him if he hurt people then, he said yes, he hurt his family a lot. I said, "If they realized what was wrong and were able to say, 'There's a way you can do this that won't hurt me.' what would you have done?"

Stu: "I don't think I would have listened then."
Me: "You're listening now."
Stu: "Yeah."

It wasn't easy but I think we made progress. He knows he's sick, he knows he's been sick since he was a kid. Now it's just a matter of convincing him he doesn't need to be.

Things are... meh, I dunno. They're not good, they're not any worse. I heard from Cory which helped a lot. A few times I've tried to start an e-mail to him and just couldn't bring myself to do it... so thank God he's pretty good about checking my blog. (Cory, seriously, thank you!)

My baby brother is gonna come home for a visit soon. I swear, anything happens to me and that boy is the first to jump up and help, even if he's hundreds of miles away.

I logged onto MSN yesterday and Jay was on. Funny timing, since he's only on like once a month. But he stayed on for hours to talk to me, and it really did help. Jay always helps. I've mentioned him in this blog a million times. Anyways, he let me rant about everything. I told him how I think Stuart is depressed. His mom has always acted like he couldn't do anything right. Nothing has ever been good enough for her. Michelle betrayed him and got pregnant seven years ago. And now she's doing drugs and run off, leaving him with a situation he didn't even want to consider.

But, I'm the only person who he can hurt. All these people can fuck him over, hurt him, but he can't hurt them back. So he hurt me.

I mentioned this to him last night, because thankfully he's A) keeping to his promise of not staying away and B) letting me talk about things like this. And when I did, he admitted it could be true. That's gotta mean something right?

And I've pointed out to him the changes I've seen in him:
- sleeping less
- less energy
- less appetite
- quicker temper
- drinking more
- not enjoying his hobbies, even video games for the most part

He admitted they were all true. He tried to argue the drinking one, since he never really drank much before, but that was my point. Why's he drinking now? It's not an insane amount, I don't think he's really even gotten drunk lately, but he has a few almost every night it seems.

So I think I'm making some progress. Progress in convincing him to stay? I don't know. I asked him what he's going to do Tuesday. He's going back to work, won't be able to see Steve much, will start stressing out again, and he wants to do it alone? I think that got him thinking. But I think I'm definitely making progress in convincing him he's sick... and that might be more important right now.

Nope. No working things out, no thinking things through. He doesn't want to. He said, "I might be making a big mistake, but it's mine to make."

Doesn't seem fair, but not much I can do about it. He's depressed... I'd been suspecting as much for a while but now I'm sure. He says he doesn't feel anything for me, but he's not feeling ANYTHING right now. He refuses to see a councellor for himself, but he said he'll go for me. So I made an appointment on October 23rd. I think that gives us some time to get our thoughts straight. Hopefully when we go in and I start talking about things Stuart might realize that HE needs help too.

I'm surprisingly calm right now. My heart doesn't feel like it's breaking... maybe because I've accepted that this might be for the best? And I'm not mad, though everyone thinks I should be. He was a heartless bastard the way he did things, and he knows it. He admitted it. And yet he doesn't feel bad. That proves my point that something is wrong... that's not the Stuart I know.

So I bought myself some new bedding today. I'm going to use Stu's bed until he moves out because he is not sticking me on the futon. When he is gone my dad said I can have my old bed from his place, so I'm set there. And he and my mom are going to get me a tv for Christmas since the one we have his Stu's.

Um... I get to keep the Wii, PS2 and laptop, he gets the 360 and computer. 360 is obvious as he put it on his credit card and I'll have nothing to do with paying for it. The Wii was a gift but he doesn't use it much, and since I use it for my fitness and what not... he feels I should have it. PS2 I guess he just doesn't care much about, and since it has Rock Band and Guitar Hero I'm happy to keep it.

I bought him something today when I was downtown. Part of me said I shouldn't, but part of me really wants to be the one to give it to him. It's a South Park dvd thing. It's got straight to dvd episodes... so I thought he'd like it. It'll be something to remember me by.

I'm going to go make myself eat something. I didn't eat yesterday at all, even after Shelly and I grabbed some Chinese. So I'll heat that up. I'm still not hungry, but I'm not gonna starve myself for him. What would be the point? He's already proven he wouldn't give a shit what happens....

Stu came home today and announced that he thinks he's "done". It went so far as to discuss splitting property, money, etc. I've been a mess all day. Shelly came and hung out for a bit but I was pretty terrible company.

To make matters worse he announced it while Steve was sitting in the car. So he's got moral support while I was screwed. Nice.

Tonight we went into the bedroom to talk. Nothing is resolved, not by far, but I think we might be making progress. He's gone from being certain to promising he'll think things through more tomorrow. I pointed out (and it killed me to do it) that he doesn't love Logan, his parents, his sister, etc. So obviously he can't feel how he's supposed to. So how can he tell me he doesn't think he cares for me like he should.

I asked about councelling, but he's pretty against the idea. Had a bad experiance when he was younger. But I wish he'd give it a try. Alone or I could go with him, whatever would make him the most comfortable.

He said he doesn't feel like he's meant to ever be with anyone because of his feelings. Now that is bullshit. A guy like Stuart is meant for someone. Even if it ends up not being me... he's meant for someone.

He told me some of the nitpicky issues that have been bothering him. I pointed out that if he could just talk openly like this more maybe we could work through things. He argued that it goes completely against his personality to talk about such things, but I pointed out he managed tonight. All I'm asking him to do is try.

I think that might be the point that got him. That, and I admit I was kind of evil here, and when I asked him what he would do if something had happened to Steve. (Steve came home Sunday, btw.) He said he'd completely close down... and I pointed out that that's not normal. Yes it's devastating to lose a best friend, but to just close up and give up... isn't normal, you know? When I said that he had to agree with me, and I think that's when he started to consider the other points I was making.

I'll try to keep you guys posted, but if it keeps on the track it's going I'm going to be pretty heartbroken for a while. Please keep your fingers crossed for us, I really believe this is something he's going through... not a permanent thing. If I really felt he didn't love me, I would walk away. As hard as it would be, I would.

Ah, it's time I start using this journal again!

For my first post I deliver to you the brand new video from George Strait.