Long Night, Long Update

I decided to be selfish today. When Stuart got home tonight I decided to sit him down and let him have it. My planned speech was:

"You're an asshole. You're a selfish prick. You don't care you're hurting me in all this, I get that. But what about Steve? Your parents? Family? If you don't smarten up and admit how bad it is you're going to fuck up. You're going to lose everything. Do you expect me to be here still? To want to help you? You're lying to everyone Stuart. You're not worried about the concequences. You don't care who you're hurting. This isn't you."

I got through most of that but then I went on to tell him how I want to help him, because I just couldn't bear to be that selfish. I wanted him to know I'm here for him. He looked up and said, "I just don't want your help."

Surprisingly that didn't hurt like it should. I guess because I knew. What I knew I'll explain in a bit.

So I kept pushing him even though I knew it was pointless. Why push, it won't help. But I did. Finally I looked up and said, "Stuart, back a few months ago when you told me you didn't know if you loved me anymore, do you remember what you did? What you did when you saw how much it hurt me, even when you couldn't tell me it would be better."

He couldn't answer it, which surprised me. So I looked at him, "You held me." I told him that's what proves to me right now that he's not himself. He doesn't care how much he's hurting me.

After that we actually talked a bit. He knows he's depressed, and he will go get help, but he doesn't think he's as far gone as I do. So fair enough, I think time will prove him wrong. He said he doesn't feel he owes me anything, even though he wouldn't even be able to admit anything was wrong without me. Just another thing I'm chalking up to this retched illness.

I finally lost it. I just said, "It's just killing me that no matter how much I try now, when this is said and done I'm scared you're going to hate me for not fighting hard enough."

He came over and held me then. After a bit I asked him if he came over because he wanted to, or because he knew I wanted him to. He said he wanted to. It was the first ray of hope I've had through all this that my Stuart is still in there.

We discussed money, my schooling, property, etc. He owes $1600 on his credit card right now but he swears he'll be able to pay my schooling on it come January. I won't fault him if he can't. I told him I would help pay it off some now, because it's my schooling at stake, but he won't hear of it.

He's not leaving right away, though Steve wants out of his mom's place right away. He's also going to talk to Steve about taking the downstairs suite on the other side. I thought he was just saying it, but he really did seem like he liked that idea. Maybe he doesn't want to be away from me totally? Just needs space.

And I'll give him space. I laughed at some point and said I'll never be able to watch Stargate Atlantis anymore, 'cause that was our show. We never watched it without the other. He asked if I wanted him to still watch it with me and I said I did. Then I said, "Least there's only a handful of episodes left" to which he responded, "And then you'll have to find another show for us to watch."

So he's not leaving me out cold. He's not walking away from everything... I feel better. I'm prepared to do whatever he needed, but I knew he needed me in some form. Who else does he have? I think he's come to admit that. I asked him if he didn't want my help, or if he wanted to do it alone. He said he wants to try to do it alone. I can live with that.

Finally I asked him if I could ask one more question and then I'd let him go to bed. He said I could, so I asked him if he thinks we're over for good, or if he thinks he needs this space right now. He said he couldn't answer that right now. I didn't push it, but I really do think there's hope when he gets through all this. I found the card he gave me for our anniversary and it says, "You make it worth getting up each morning." I asked him if he'd really felt that way, he said he did once. I asked him if there was anything that made it worth getting up now, he said there wasn't.

I'm scared he's going to hurt himself doing this alone. I'm scared he's not going to ask for help when he realizes he needs it, though he promised he would. I'm scared if he can't see how much he's changed that he'll never be able to really get through everything.

But I'm going to be strong enough until he gets through this, because I really feel he's going to find he needs me later. I think he realizes it too, and that's why he's keeping me close. Thank God.

When we discussed property I complained how I'd be without a dresser again, but said I can keep the one his parents just gave us. It's a beautiful dark wood dresser with a mirror and matching bedside tables. I also get the Wii, PS2, seasons 9 & 10 of Stargate (we both had 1-8 before we met), the Harry Potter books, etc.

When he was holding me I told him I was scared he was going to back out of his promise to help me with school. Like he'd just rip it away from me and screw me over. He held me tight and said, "You're going to school." I believe him. Even though he's not completely him right now, I think he'll keep this promise.

He also promised that he'll tell his parents and Steve that I'm not the bad guy. They think I am right now. He told his parents tonight that he's depressed and they're even trying to blame me for that. He's going to tell them I'm doing everything I can to help him, even the hardest thing ever... being there without being there. He said if the don't understand, he'll make them. LOL.

I really went away tonight feeling like I'm not losing him forever, just for now. And for now is good. He needs it. I was thinking earlier if everything really does happen for a reason. Well, if he hadn't broken up with me and started all this I never would have asked the questions that helped him realize he's depressed. So maybe everything does.

Oh yes... he wants help. He's going to start going to see doctors. He wants to meet with a few and find one he feels comfortable with. He's also going to go to councelling. Maybe he doesn't think he needs my help now, but the ironic thing is without me, he wouldn't be at that point now. I asked the questions that made him admit his problem. I talked him through things to see if he wants help. Someday he'll see that.