He said, "I need you" and I cried.

Last night Stuart was having a night mare. I've heard him having them the last few nights but this one was... different. He was talking in his sleep and what not. I tried to wake him up, I couldn't. Even when I made the phone, which he uses as an alarm, go off. I couldn't make out much of what he was saying but I did make out, "Tanya, I'm sorry, let me come home."

See told ya that would be on his mind, even if he didn't know it!

So tonight I told him I wasn't going to ask him to leave because I think, and I really do, not just saying it, that he needs some time and space so I'll give it to him. He said thank you. I told him I feel part of the reason he's been so reluctant to say he needs me is because I was so reluctant to admit he needs to leave... and he admitted then that he DOES need me! He knows no one else will be able to give him some of the things I can give him.

That's when I realized something. We've been looking at this kind of black & white like. Why does him moving out mean we have to break up? So he said he'd work on "us". I'm not exactly sure where we stand anymore, but in a good way. He's going to work on it so we're not completely done... that's better than I've felt all week.

He did admit he's worried how his mom and Steve will react if he says he's not leaving me. He told them it was what he needed to do, and he's not sure they'll understand his state of mind. He's admitted he needs me for certain things, he could even tell me what without me suggesting them so I know he's really serious about it, and yet he's worried about them.

I'm sacrificing so much to help him. I'm letting him leave even though everything inside is yelling to keep him here. I'm willing to help him with money by working even more, even though it'll be hard on me. I'm willing to be there as just a friend if that's what he decides. I'm willing to stand back and watch him try this alone if he so decides. None of it is easy, but I'm not even thinking twice about it.

What is anyone else willing to sacrifice for him? I'm not saying I'm any better than them, because what do they have to sacrifice in this situation? But if he tells them "I need her" shouldn't that be enough for them??

He pointed out tonight that I'm asking the right questions, saying the right things. I'm staying silent when he needs to think on what I said (and trust me, the silence is deafening!) and I'm pushing when he needs that push. Honestly I thought he'd hate me after some of the things I've asked... and I've been scared it would push him away since everyone says he needs to do this alone... but he doesn't. He says he's grateful I've done what I've done. I can't begin to tell you what that means to me.

But more than anything he's amazed how I find the right words. This whole week I don't know if I've said, "Ummm" once. The words have been confident and strong, no doubt in them. Even though some have been hard to say, I've done it, and he says he knows how tough it's been for me. He's worried even when he goes to the doctors he won't be able to find the words he needs to explain things, and that they won't know the questions to ask. But, I know the questions to ask. For that right there he says he needs me more than anybody.

So right now I don't feel like I'm losing him. I feel like he's just doing what he needs to do, but we're still doing it "together" in a way, and apart. And now that I'm thinking clearly I'm a little excited to be on my own for a bit. Any mess around the house will be my mess. No worrying about anyone or anything else, because it's all mine. So it's a new stage but I think it might be a good one. *fingers crossed*

Now let's just pray Stuart's not vulnerable enough right now that the others can convince him he doesn't need what he does need.